Reasons 2

When I got home, I immediately got on my computer. I had tried searching for him in the past, without luck. But those times I only used his first and last names. I got the idea to add his middle name and see what came up.

I looked on Facebook. No luck.

I Googled his full name. A few names popped up. But how could you tell if one of those was him?

My Space? Nope.

I typed in the high school name and graduation year. But you had to sign up and pay in order to get info.

Then some sites came up which do credit checks, etc. One gave several names and relatives names.

I was getting closer.

Then a site gave several partial email addresses that he might have. That gave me an idea. I could type in is first initial and last name, then do “...@hotmail.com, ...@aol.com, ...@yahoo”, etc. So I did.

I did like six emails like that. I wrote, “Eric? Is that you? I just heard “Reasons” tonight on WBLS Quiet Storm and thought of you. If this is you, please write back. I’d love to hear from you.” Something like that.

I did it. Then, just forgot about it.

The next day, I received a few emails saying that those emails didn’t go through. Something about, “Undeliverable” or “Error” or something.

“Oh well,” I thought. I’ll have to think of something else. I just didn’t know what that was yet.

After 11 PM that night, my Blackberry chimed. I had an email. I ignored it. Probably Shecky’s telling me there was a big shoe sale on. And God knows, I do not need one more pair of Christian Louboutins. Come to think of it, can one really ever have enough Louboutins? I think not.

And further more, now that I have two Blackberries, I’m flippin’ tired of looking at that damned thing all day long. (Is the plural of Blackerry, ‘Blackberries’?)

I digress.

About 20 minutes later, I took a look.

The email said. ‘I only know one Blue Shoes Manhattan. Who is this?”

Hmmm. Maybe I’ll write back. Maybe it’s him. How many people even know anyone named Blue Shoes Manhattan? My heart was pounding.

I wrote on my Blackberry, “Did you live on Sesame Street in xxxx Town?”

He says, “Were you best friends with Sookie?”

I’m like, “Were you buddies with Bill Compton?”

“It’s me! Blue Shoes Manhattan!”

“I can’t believe it’s you! I’ve missed you forever!”

What? My high school crush missed me forever? He ignored me throughout four years of high school!!

I wrote back, “I’ve missed you even longer than that.”

It was really him. My high school crush!

This went on for hours. It was really so exciting. I can’t believe I really found him and he was receptive and didn’t delete me!

I fell asleep writing to him.

The next day we started again. He asked if he could call me. I agreed.

So, I spoke with him the next day. It was so surreal. Like a dream. His voice was the voice I remembered, just a little more polished. He would never call me in high school. How I longed for him to. And now, 30+ years later, there he was, on the other end of my phone, speaking of how nervous he was to talk to me. How happy he was to hear from me. How lucky we were to have found each other.

I didn’t want to get off the phone. I didn’t want to wake up.

Turns out, however, he was married. Has been for 20 years. Two grown children.

But of course he was. It’s me we’re talking about! If he were available, he probably wouldn’t have missed me or he wouldn’t have written back, or something. (Not that there’s anything wrong with me, but that’s just my luck.)

One thing I know, if I died tomorrow, I’d be satisfied in the fact that Eric, the love of my life, liked me too.

Reasons

The other night I was parking my car, in a really great spot as a matter of fact. It was around midnight. WBLS “The Quiet Storm” Show was playing on the radio. That’s a popular New York radio station, or at least it used to be, that plays R&B and soul. It used to be the home of the late, great DJ, Frankie Crocker, who passed too soon about ten years ago.

Well, as I said, I was parking. It was a warm summer night. Stars were out. I had my windows and moon roof wide open. I was enjoying the beautiful New York summer night, when Phillip Bailey started to sing “Reasons”, by Earth Wind and Fire. I’ve loved the song since high school. When I hear it, the same thoughts always come to mind, but this time they hit me hard. I was back, at a junior or senior high school party, slow dancing with my high school crush, Eric. I could smell his cologne. See his hazel eyes looking down at mine. Feel his arms around my waist. My head resting on his shoulder. I could feel my heart race. The feelings I had when Eric was near. The memories were so vivid, they brought tears to my eyes. I missed him so.

I closed my eyes and let the music take me back there. Let it waft over me like an ocean wave. Over and over. I hummed along. I felt the pain of unrequited love, 30 years later, as if it were today.

Oh, Eric. Where are you tonight?

I don’t know why, but I really don’t think I’ve ever felt the way I did for him, for any other man who entered my life later. I wonder if that feeling’s been what I’ve been looking for all of these years. The feelings I never found again. Someone who made me feel the way Eric did. No one ever did. No one ever measured up. I wouldn’t settle for anything less. And so, now I’m alone.

Eric and I never went out on a date. I only loved him from afar. I believe he cared for me too, but he was always too shy to show it. But every so often, at a party, we would dance. And the world would go away. And my world only consisted of him and me.

I’ve thought about Eric often over the years. Wondered how he was and what he was doing. I looked him up online, with no success.

But that night. That night … was different. After hearing the song, getting out of the car, on my walk home, I decided I was going to try harder.

And I did.