Shhh. Be Vewy Quiet. We’re Hunting Wabbits.

I went to a mixer for a potential Jersey Shore share house last week. I did this house about two years ago and thought I might do it again this year. I knew a lot of people from my house two years ago. So that was cool. By the end of the night, two guys asked me for my number (I was having a good hair day). Both of them were in my house.

They were all, “Oh, hello. It’s nice to meet you.”

I was like, “Um, I was in your house last year. We met already.”

“Oh really?”

I mean, how stupid can you get? It’s not as if I was 400 lbs. two years ago, and had gastric bypass or something. Or as if I was a blond, and now a brunette.

Whatever.

One asked for my number. He had his Blackberry ready, so I gave it to him. The other was looking for a pen. I told him to look me up on Facebook.

I really wasn’t interested in either of them, but the male attention was nice. Also, I figured, they’d never call or write anyway.

Sure enough, a few days later, bachelor number one emailed.

A few days after that, bachelor number two friended me.

Wow. I must have been having a better hair day than I thought!

A few more days later, my phone rang. It was an unfamiliar number. I stared at my phone.

Hmmm.

Should I pick it up?

I don’t know.

Maybe I should.

Maybe I shouldn’t!

What should I do??

I hate picking up an unfamiliar number.

But then, I decided to go for it.

Live life on the edge, BSM!

I picked up, “Hello?”

“Hewwoe.” Replied a very quiet, timid, high pitched male voice.

“Hello?”

“Hewwoe? The voice sounded kind of like Elmer Fudd. “Is this Blue Shoes Manhattan?”

Ok. I thought. This person just said my name. They know me. But who is this??

“Umm. Who is this?” I asked.

“Lafayette.” Doing his best Elmer Fudd impression. It must be hunting season.

As soon as he said his name, I quickly began trying to think if there was anyone I knew named Lafayette. Taking inventory in my head. I couldn’t.

Who. Who. Who could this be?

I tried to stall, saying stuff like, “Oh, hi, blah, blah, blah. How are you?”

Finally, I asked, “I’m sorry. Do I know you?”

“Lafayette, from the Shore house.”

Bachelor number two.

He asked me out.

I turned him down.

Just call me Buggs Bunny.

Looks like it’s gonna be an interesting summer.

Is This What My Life Has Become?

I was out with Yenta Hessa last week. We went to grab a bite to eat. The restaurant we went to was busy. We left our name at the door, “It’ll be 50-60 minutes”.

We went to the bar.

Turns out, you can eat at the bar as well. I really don’t like to do that, but since it was late, and we were hungry we decided to try. Only thing was, the bar was packed as well. So, we scoped out seats. Me, on one side of the bar, and Yenta Hessa on the other.

Nobody was budging.

After about 35 minutes, we saw a couple start to get up. I walked over to them. But on my way a chubby old man approached the couple. He was about a hundred and two years old. He wore old man glasses and had old man hair. You know, totally bald on the top, with grey fringe down the sides. His friend looked like Homer Simpson’s boss, Mr. Burns.

He looked at me.

I looked at him.

“Are you going to take those seats?” I asked.

“We’ve been waiting for an hour!” He exclaimed.

What a gentleman. So much for chivalry.

Take the seat, I thought, as I walked away.

We waited some more.

Then some seats opened up near Yenta Hessa’s area. We sat. “Ahhh.”

I look to my left, and there’s Santa Claus and his elf sitting next to me.

His friend was even older, maybe a hundred and sixty two. He had the same white baldy fringe hair, but his head was loaded with liver spots.

Oy, I’m going to loose my lunch.

All of a sudden I hear, “Do you come here often?”

Are you kidding me?

Ebenezer Scrooge is hitting on me!?!

I turned to him and smiled.

Then I turned to Yenta Hessa and whispered, “Is this what my life has become? The Winter Warlock just asked me if I come here often!!”

Yenta shook her head.

Then, he continued. He was a lawyer in the building, and blah, blah, Charlie Brown’s teacher.

I didn’t hear another word he said. All I could think of was how my life came down to this? How could this hundred and seventy five year old man think that I would seriously ever want him?

Do I look old? Do I look his age? Do I look close to his age? I don’t understand!

Has time flown by so quickly, that I didn’t realize I’m a hundred and seven too?

Needless to say, I didn’t enjoy my dinner.