Oh Rats!

Today I had to run some errands during lunch hour.

I had to go to the bank, pick up sunscreen for my trip (yey!), and grab a salad.

It was a beautiful afternoon. The sun was bright, the weather is getting warmer, I was able to zip up my favorite emerald green Prada pencil skirt this morning. (Thanks Weight Watchers!)

So far, it’s a good day.

So good, in fact, that I was practically skipping down the street to the bank, in my stunning turquoise blue spring coat, black suede platform wedges, and my Chanel rhinestone shades.

As I was saying, I was frolicking across 23^rd Street. Suddenly I spotted a small animal running towards me, trying to cross 23^rd Street as well!

Is it a cat?

Is it a dog?

Is it a squirrel?

Oh no! I think it’s a …

Dare I say it??

… RAT!?!?!

Yes. It is!!!

And it is coming right for me!

Then it swerved to the right. I swerved left.

Then it swerved to the left. I swerved right.

I wasn’t walking anymore. I was sort of jumping and screaming at the same time.

Then it came B-line for me.

Right in the middle of crossing 23^rd Street, I started skipping, hopping, and screaming simultaneously.

Can you get a visual?

That thing came so straight for me that I jumped over it to avoid it running right up my black suede platform wedges and emerald green Prada skirt.

There I am, hopping and screaming in the middle of the street as cars waiting at the red light!

I could see people looking at me and giggling, but I couldn’t help it. There was nothing I could do. It was goin’ down.

As I passed the rat and made it to the opposite street for safety, I was still screaming a little, giggling, and jump skipping. Then I made several grossed out, ewww body shakes.

More pedestrians on the corner saw it and were also amused.

Some bald, leather jacket, motorcycle guy turned to look at me as I approached the corner of 23^rd Street and 3^rd Avenue. He chuckled. “Wow, that’s something you don’t expect to see!”

I turned to him and agreed.

Have the rats now left the subways and taken over the streets? Do we have to step aside as THEY pass?

The streets are not big enough for the both of us Mr. Rodent!!

Another leisurely lunch hour stroll gone to shit.

Your Money or Your Shoes

My sister, Sookie, just reminded me about a shoe story that happened several years ago and decided I must share.

I’m going to tell you something and I beg of you, please don’t judge… I used to shoe shop at Nine West.

Yes, I said it.

It was before I discovered where to purchase my lovely Louboutins, Diors, Manolos, Prada, and Yves Saint Laurents.

I had been eyeing a pair of turquoise blue satin peep-toe sling backs with green and blue beading, in the window of Nine West on Fifth Avenue. One day I decided to go in and try them on. And so I did.

I was definitely going to buy them. Now it was just a matter of which size; the eight or the eight-and-a-half. Every time I buy a new pair of shoes, that is the main dilemma. I agonize over it every time.

So, it’s 45 minutes later and I finally decided on the eight-and-a-half. It turned out, the shoes were very rare and there were limited sizes. I asked my sales girl wrap them up and agreed to meet her at the register.

I was standing at the register, waiting for the girl to ring up my shoes, when all of a sudden a SWAT team burst into the shop. They locked the doors and announced that no one could come in or go out of the store. There had been a robbery.

Everyone in the store stopped what they were doing and looked around at each other. I was still at the counter. I grabbed my shoe box and ducked, just in case of gun fire.

Then I looked up at my sales girl, standing behind the counter and whispered, while hugging the box, “Could you please just ring these up real quick so I can get out of here?”

She looked down at me in disgust as the SWAT team handcuffed the assailant.

Well, I do have my priorities.

Blue shoes and Obama, sittin in a tree

It was President Obama!

That’s right. He was meeting with Al Sharpton.

I wish he would have stopped. I’m sure he could have hooked me up with a Gucci make-up case.

I have no time for this! I have to get to Saks!

Finally, one of the cops yells, “Ok, you can cross. But do it now, because the street’s going to be closed for the next 20 minutes!!”

I thought, “I better go, go, go before I’m stuck here all night. Without Gucci.”

“Bye. Bye. Obama! I’m off to Saks.”

Saks didn’t have any Gucci, Prada, or freakin’ Coach for that matter, for under 200 bucks. And the customer service sucked.

Everyone was telling me I should buy a scarf, while yawning and avoiding eye contact.

Ugh!

Still no word from Angelina.

I decided to leave Saks and head back to Gucci. Forget this! And forget Angelina! I’ll just buy the make up case for $190 and I’ll pay the difference, I thought.

I finally got to Gucci at 7:03 P.M.

Try to open the door.

Pull. Pull.

It must be stuck.

Pull. Pull.

The big Gucci-suited bouncer grunted, “We’re closed.”

“Go away and come back tomorrow.”

Now what? All this, and nothing to show for it but a tryst with the Prez.

I looked right. Do I just go get the bus home?

I looked left. Or should I walk back to Saks?

I walked right, to the bus stop, empty handed, and waited 25 minutes in the rain and cold in my fabulous turquoise spring coat. A lady at the bus stop complimented my blue coat.

Ring, ring.

It’s Angelina. I updated her. She still wanted to get handmade jewelry from her friend. She didn’t think designer accessories were very JWOW anymore anyway. Whatever the fuck that means.

Do we really care anymore? It’s crunch time! We are not shopping for the freakin’ Queen of England here. Let’s just buy something and she can just exchange it for the love of God!!

But I was nice. Angelina said she’d go shopping tomorrow on her day off.

This is ridiculous.

I think I wanna buy my own gift.

I bumped into President Obama racing to Gucci

I’m invited to a birthday party for a work girlfriend, JWow. Another co-worker was invited as well, Angelina. Angelina and I thought we’d go together. And perhaps go in on a birthday gift together as well. Sounds pretty basic. Yes?

No.

We had a budget of $100.

Weeks prior to the event, I started coming up with gift ideas. I asked Angelina, “How about a gift certificate to Ouidad curly hair salon?”

“No. She got a treatment.”

“How about a hand made knit scarf?”

“No. Spring is coming.”

Angelina has a friend who makes jewelry. She suggested that, but I didn’t feel it was enough from two people.

So, she said she’d go shopping on her day off.

… But she didn’t.

I was coming up with more ideas.

“Gucci?” Online, the cell phone case or the make-up cases were $150.

Angelina agreed to the make-up case. So I was going to go to Gucci to pick it up. By then, it was the Wednesday before the party. There was no time to order online, which would have been much simpler.

I planned to go over to Fifth Avenue after work. I got on the bus to Bergdorf Goodman. They have Gucci AND it’s my favorite store. It took forever to get there. What’s up with the traffic today?

Got there and they didn’t have the make-up case. But they suggested I buy a scarf for my budget. I stopped by the Chanel counter on the way. This was a very dangerous venture for me, but I survived unscathed.

Off to Gucci!

Walked a block over to Gucci. Jeez! Nothing was under $200 there. Not even the make up cases I saw online for $150!

They suggested I buy a scarf.

Now what do I do?

Off to Saks Fifth Avenue.

I began to walk the seven blocks to 49^th Street and 5^th Avenue, in the rain.

I’m hungry.

I’m tired.

I called Angelina to get her input. No answer.

Bitch.

As I approached 53^rd Street, there were police and a motorcade. And they weren’t allowing anyone to cross the street.

Damn! Don’t they know I need to get to Saks!!

It was President Obama!