Match Dot Shlong

I had a profile up on a dating website for a while. “Had” is the operative word.

It was actually a site for people of a particular culture.

I really don’t like dating websites, but I figure I may as well try, right? Even though they give me the creeps. And I thought it might be good because it was guys with the same background as me.

So, a got a hit from a cute guy. He was a good age. Divorced. Two kids. Seemed legit. I had to actually pay up for the stupid thing in order to write back to the dude. But, you know, I got a good feeling about it.

It took me about a month to do it, but I did. I was pondering over it. Should I? Shouldn't I?

Whatever, whatever.

So finally I signed up and got back in touch with him.

And the guy was still interested!

I was kinda excited about it.

He wrote back, “Here’s my email adres and telphone nummer. Call mee soon if you fell sayfe.”

I told him I’d feel safer if I could email him first (even though his spelling sucked for someone with a Masters degree), and he agreed.

His email address was his first and last name. So, since I had his full name, of course I Googled him.

Guess what came up?

His profile on “MiPuta.com”

His screen name was HOTGUY-4U

It read, “ GOOD LOOKING ‘RUSSIAN’ GUY WHO LOVES ‘BRITISH’ LADIES. LOOK HOT, DRESS HOT AND YOUR MINE.”

Note his spelling of ‘you’re’.

Also, I substituted the nationalities to protect the innocent. Other than that, that’s what it read verbatim.

On the site, there were like a million hot chicks’ pictures. And by hot, I mean they all look like hookers.

So. Hmmm.

This was the nice guy who, out of all of the guys on dating websites who I never gave the time of day, I decided was a good one?

Oh brother, my judgment with men is really in the shitter

I got so grossed out; of course I never contacted him.

I’m gonna be single forever.

I’ll Tackle You to the Ground at Filene’s Basement Blowout Sale - Part II

... I looked.

And looked.

Looked again.

No black silk Escada ruffled wrap dress.

Checked the dressing room.

No black silk Escada ruffled wrap dress.

Asked the little Russian woman organizing the clothing on the racks, “I just saw it,” she said.

I told her I had it earlier, but I put it down. I joked that I guess I shouldn’t have done that.

She replied in a thick Russian accent, “No. Not today!”

And she was right. I know that. I learned that at Loehmans. I call it the Loehmans mentality. Never walk away from something you’re interested at Loehmans. It may not be there a moment later. I’ve learned my lesson the hard way.

This is actually the reason why I buy too much. I don’t want to let anything go.

Suddenly, I woman with about 50 dresses crumpled up in her arms, passed in front of me. In the pile of fabric, I thought I spotted black silk. OMG. It was my black silk Escada ruffled wrap dress!

I walked over to her and asked, “Are you going to try that on?”

If so, I figured I’d hang around her in case she didn’t want it anymore or it didn’t fit.

But instead, she immediately spat, “I’m buying it!!”

I turned around and sulked back to my place in line, in front of the woman who kept smacking my booty with her hanger.

The woman in front of me asked, “So, did you find it?”

I told her my story. She responded, “You should have never looked like you were interested! You know how women are, she’ll buy it just because you wanted it.”

Damn! She was right. But I thought I’d be honest. Honestly always wins out in the end.

Doesn’t it?

Oh well, I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

I stood on line again, which was moving like a dead turtle, and plotted. How was I going to get that dress away from that woman?

The dress that I didn’t need earlier, I was obsessed with and couldn’t leave the store without.

Myself and the line ladies discussed it further. About 15-20 minutes later, they pushed me to look again. At least for the second dress.

I left the line.

Re-checked the racks.

Re-checked the dressing room. The dressing room ladies looked for me.

No sign of the woman with my black silk Escada ruffled wrap dress. Was she on the line now? I didn’t see her.

And where was the second black silk Escada ruffled wrap dress?

Nothing.

I sulked back to my place in line… Empty-handed.

The line had moved forward a little.

While on the line, I spotted the woman with my black silk Escada ruffled wrap dress. She had about 100 items now. My black silk Escada ruffled wrap dress was one of them.

Damn!

I pointed her out to my friends on line. The woman behind me, who kept poking me with her hanger spewed, “She looks mean!”

We all laughed.

As we got closer and closer to the front of the line I dreaded the fact that I would check out without my black silk Escada ruffled wrap dress.

I thought about offering the woman with my black silk Escada ruffled wrap dress my place in line if she would just give up the dress to me.

I didn’t do it.

But I did keep seeing the little Russian woman who organized the racks. I decided to asker her. One last time.

“Excuse me, but did you happen to see the black silk Escada wrap dress again?”

“Yes!” She said in her thick Russian accent. “I have it. I thought you left.”

“What??? I have been on line all this time. Can you get it for me?”

And she did.

The other ladies on the line started screaming and cackling as the woman brought the black silk Escada wrap dress to us.

“Oh, it’s beautiful! You must wear it for New Year Eve!!!” They screamed.

I thanked the worker.

I was five people away from the front of the line.

I guess it was meant to be.

I’m glad that I was honest and didn’t tackle that woman to the ground for my black silk Escada ruffled wrap dress.

After all, honesty IS the best policy.