Reasons

The other night I was parking my car, in a really great spot as a matter of fact. It was around midnight. WBLS “The Quiet Storm” Show was playing on the radio. That’s a popular New York radio station, or at least it used to be, that plays R&B and soul. It used to be the home of the late, great DJ, Frankie Crocker, who passed too soon about ten years ago.

Well, as I said, I was parking. It was a warm summer night. Stars were out. I had my windows and moon roof wide open. I was enjoying the beautiful New York summer night, when Phillip Bailey started to sing “Reasons”, by Earth Wind and Fire. I’ve loved the song since high school. When I hear it, the same thoughts always come to mind, but this time they hit me hard. I was back, at a junior or senior high school party, slow dancing with my high school crush, Eric. I could smell his cologne. See his hazel eyes looking down at mine. Feel his arms around my waist. My head resting on his shoulder. I could feel my heart race. The feelings I had when Eric was near. The memories were so vivid, they brought tears to my eyes. I missed him so.

I closed my eyes and let the music take me back there. Let it waft over me like an ocean wave. Over and over. I hummed along. I felt the pain of unrequited love, 30 years later, as if it were today.

Oh, Eric. Where are you tonight?

I don’t know why, but I really don’t think I’ve ever felt the way I did for him, for any other man who entered my life later. I wonder if that feeling’s been what I’ve been looking for all of these years. The feelings I never found again. Someone who made me feel the way Eric did. No one ever did. No one ever measured up. I wouldn’t settle for anything less. And so, now I’m alone.

Eric and I never went out on a date. I only loved him from afar. I believe he cared for me too, but he was always too shy to show it. But every so often, at a party, we would dance. And the world would go away. And my world only consisted of him and me.

I’ve thought about Eric often over the years. Wondered how he was and what he was doing. I looked him up online, with no success.

But that night. That night … was different. After hearing the song, getting out of the car, on my walk home, I decided I was going to try harder.

And I did.