OBT (One Big Thing)

A funny thing my Mom discovered is guys always have one big thing (OBT) wrong with them. Sounds crazy, but it’s true. Like, they could be handsome, rich, and sweet, but be...what?... gay. He could be attractive and caring, but... oops!... married. Be funny and brilliant, but...ugh!...a horrible kisser. Damn! He could be wonderf-...you guessed it...a stalker. Get the idea? Well, it’s always true. Think back. See? Told ya.

There’s always OBT wrong, either with them or with the relationship. And if you don’t find it out right away, you will in time. With some guys it can take longer than others to find it out. Consider yourself lucky if you find it out early on. Saves a lot of time and trouble.

Well, it’s very distressing. I don’t say it to be pessimistic or cynical or anything. It just turns out to happen.

Take ‘Schmooly’ for example. Schmooly was a great guy. Until I found out the OBT. Actually, he had two big things. You’ll see. Hey, not those big things! Keep your mind out of the gutter! So, I met Schmooly in 1988, before the husband thing. Oh, yeah. Well, I’ll get into that later. Actually, I had met the future husband already, but wasn’t interested at the time. If only I could have stayed uninterested.

Shit.

Okay, okay, back to the story.

Here’s how I met him. So, my friends and I had plans to attend the local church’s annual boat ride around Manhattan. Once the day came, I called up “the girls” to firm up plans. They decided they weren’t going to go because it was too expensive, $30. Great, I’ll just call Vicky. She blew me off for a date with this gorgeous guy because he was sooooo nice. Yeah, the same guy that ended up dumping her for a stripper. Perfect, so much for Vicky.

Well, with no one to go with, I wasn’t going on the boat ride now. That really sucked. I was really bummed. Suddenly, my Mom yells from the kitchen, “Why don’t you go anyway?”

“What do you mean? Go alone?”

“Yeah, why not? You know Joyce is going and you’ll probably see people there you know. Why don’t you take your camera and go?”

“But I look horrible! It’s too late to get dressed up. If I’m going to go, I have to go now or I’ll miss the boat all together!”

“So, just go like that. You look great.”

I was wearing black long shorts, a white T-shirt and white wrestling sneakers. It wasn’t my fault, it was the 80’s!! I went up to the bathroom and checked myself in the mirror. Hmm, didn’t look bad. Put some blush and lip gloss on. And a black jacket, grabbed my Minolta, and was out the door. Drove from Long Island to Manhattan in good time and made it for the boat.

Sure enough, I did know some people on the boat and it wasn’t so bad. All of a sudden a man starts talking to my friends and me. I didn’t know him. Turns out they didn’t either. He was green-eyed, fair skinned, and curly-haired but very clean-cut.

So, when the cruise was over, Schmooly (the curly haired guy) walked me to my car. He asked me for my number and I told him I was in the book. Some people I’ve told this story to freak at this point. They can’t believe I just told him that!

Yeah, he called. I agreed to go out. So, he comes and picks me up at my home (my parents’) from New Jersey to Long Island. He’s an IBM exec. He’s very sweet to the folks. Shakes Pop’s hand, you know the whole deal. Then we get into his BMW and go to a nearby restaurant. We park, and then he reaches over me to help open my door and...JAMS HIS TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT!! What the fuck was that?! I was SO GROSSED OUT! Where did that come from? HOW INAPPROPRIATE!! We didn’t even get to the restaurant yet.

So, things were not looking good for Schmooly, but I tried to make the best of it. We have dinner and he drops me home. I never jumped out of a car so fast! I did NOT want a repeat performance. You know, I thought he was a nice person. But the tongue raping was his OBT.

Damn!

You never know when the OBT is going to jump up and bite you in the ass.