What The Schmuck?

Internet dating is quite interesting, to say the least. I’ve been doing it since back when there weren’t any pictures. So, you know, you’d go and meet the people blind. But now, with photos, you still don’t know what’s going to show up. I had a date with one 47 year old with a cute picture. He looked 47 in the pictures. But when we met, he looked 67. That’s really annoying. I was glad I didn’t agree to dinner beforehand, so that all I had to do was have a drink, and talk about his 47 year old children.

The last Internet date I had said, in his profile, that he was separated. I usually stay away from those, but he looked cute in his pictures, so I decided to try. He was lovely on the phone, making plans to meet. He had given me his full name, so I googled him prior to meeting. Seemed legit. He pretty much looked like his pics in person; tall, dark, and handsome. Just like I stated who I was looking for in my ad. He brought me flowers. Hmmm. But I didn’t hold it against him... right away.

So, I asked him about his separation/marriage. He began to provide me with so much information! Including that when his wife admitted to an affair so he smacked her in the face. It was a backhand slap. He must have been wearing a ring, because she ended up with a big gash on her face. She pressed charges. And now, she may be reducing the charges! Oh, thank goodness! This date is going better than I thought!

So much for him. I stopped dating wife beaters a while ago. Now just let me finish my swordfish so I can get the fuck out of here!!

Well, dinner wasn’t finished yet, so we kept talking. He started telling me about his business. He develops and sells martial arts equipment. He was telling me about some martial arts shoes he was developing. Shoes. Ok. I can relate. I can have a conversation about this.

The shoes were called something that sounded like ‘schmucks’. I was like, “schmucks”? I think originally, he said they were a cross between shoes and mucks. So, I said, “What are they called, ‘schmucks’”?

He then says, “Do you know what a schmuck is?”

“Yes”.

He goes, “Yea, I had mine removed about a year ago.”

I go, “Huh??”

He goes, “Yea, it doesn’t really hurt that much.”

I said, “What the hell are you talking about?”

He said, “Foreskin.” “A schmuck is foreskin.”

I said, “I think that’s a little too much information for a first date.”

WHAT THE FUCK???

WHERE AM I, IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE???

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE????!!!!

I don’t really remember what we said after that. I tried to play it cool, and ask why he did the procedure at this age. He just gave some asshole response, like it looks better or something.

I called my sister the next day. Asked her if any of this sounded weird to her, and should I see him again. Of course she said, “NO”!!

Why would I even need to ask that?!?

What a schmuck.

I hate Internet dating.