Bacteria On My Couch: To wear underwear or not to wear underwear? That is the question.

A reader, Mary Catherine Lunsford , commented on the VPL (visible panty line) dilemma that we are facing these days. This is a very serious matter. Critical, in fact. To wear underwear or not to wear underwear? That is the question.

Mary mentioned the fact that many women are ditching the whole underwear/VPL problem along with their panties. No thong, no boy shorts, no bikini. In fact, no bloomers at all! Commando.

Ok, fine. So that takes care of that. Right? Well, yeah. It alleviates the VPL. But what about the bacteria on my couch?

She is worried about peoples’ “disgusting body secretions on public seating,” which is why she avoids the subway! According to Mary, “the world has enough bacteria … pretty soon we’re all going to have to stay in our houses…”

She’s right. As it is, we all have to run around with anti-bacterial cream in our purses. Because God knows what is hanging around on banisters, counters, and doorknobs. And countless other things we haven’t even thought about!

But you can’t. You can’t think about this too hard or you’ll go crazy. You WON’T ever leave the house, for sure.

But you CAN think about whether or not people are wearing underwear. That never hurt anyone. Well, unless, of course, they are sitting on your couch. Or, on the bus before you. Ok. Stop. Here we go again, getting germ phobic!!

My sister, Hadassah, does this. Well, she doesn’t NOT wear underwear. When she people-watches, she looks for,,, not VPL, but VTL (Visible Thong Lines). When she sees them, she gets all out of whack. She gets angry and thinks that the women wearing white pants and very apparent thong lines are bad people. They are not bad people. They are just people without mirrors.

My poor sis. Works herself into a frenzy. I just laugh.

What should these women do? Should they wear big fat bloomers with their white pants? Should they wear no undies at all? I’m not 100% sure of the answer either. You will hear fashion experts say that you should wear nude boy shorts with white pants. I think you’ll get a weird line with that. Or wear a nude panty. But then you run the risk of the panty riding up into your crack - wedgy. And you know how horrifying that looks. You know, but if you wear a thong, man, you’re gonna be able to see the thong line!! Even if it’s a nude color.

Now, I’m assuming we all know that we have to wear nude undergarments with white, right? Let’s just make sure we’ve got that straight. Ok. Good. Now I can continue.

You know, it’s springtime, summer is coming. People will be wearing white pants or shorts or white sundresses with their flip flops. (Do people HAVE to wear friggin’ flip flops with EVERYTHING? Which is a whole other story.) So we’ve gotta talk about this now, before anyone gets caught on the bus or on Fifth Avenue with their cellulite showing through their white garments while texting on their Blackberry thinking their shit doesn’t stink.

That’s actually fantastic! It could make my entire day!!

We can make fun of those women, we just don’t want to BE them! So, let’s continue.

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah, the white pants panty party. I once wore an off-white pantsuit. The pants were snug and didn’t have a lining. The jacket was short. I wore an off-white sequin top with it. I opted not to wear a thong, but a pair of nude panties with them. There may have been a very faint panty line just under my touché. Nothing that was offensive at all. But people commented on my panties! Someone said, “You should have worn a thong with those pants.” Someone else said some other stupid thing.

What?

Who died and made them the fucking fashion police? Why did they have the right to comment on my panties anyway?? Even if I WAS wrong. Which I do not believe I was.

I don’t feel I should have worn a thong. You definitely would have seen the VTL. And that to me is obscene. A stupid normal brief line is not. Now, I’m a straight woman, and when I see a thong line, I kinda think of sex. Now, if I’M thinking it, what the heck are the perv men out there thinking? I’d rather be wearing a bloomer than have every degenerate homeless guy or business man on the street be thinking of sex when he sees my thong line in my ass as I strut down Lexington Avenue.

Also, with a thong, you will see cellulite, which you won’t see as ealily with panties. Who needs that? A little material goes a long way. As I said, I need to have more of a barrier between me and my co-workers. Just one piece of thin material is not enough!

Another thing panties do is prevent jiggling. Even if you’re real thin, let’s face it people. Butts jiggle like jello. Even the most in shape butts do. They don’t want to jiggle. But they will if they are not tamed. So, if your pants, shorts, skirt are not tight enough and you’re wearing a thong, that shit’s gonna flap in the breeze not to mention every time you blink. Ok, maybe there’s a time and place for moving butt cheeks. But it’s not in the office or on Fifth Avenue at noon.

Another option would be no panties at all with the white pants. Talk about cellulite, no barrier, AND jelly jello badunkadunk. Not pretty. Please don’t do it. It’s bad for white pants and with skirts and dresses. Well, let’s just say, do you really wanna leave your DNA all over Manhattan?

One more option is Spanx! Yey! Perfect! No cellulite, a strong barrier between you and the world, no jiggling badunkadunk, no VPL, no VTL, no bodily fluids! I think we’re good!! Now we can leave the house.

Here's Mary Catherine Lunsford's website. http://marycatherinelunsford.com/default.aspx