Un-Orthodox

I work in a field where we have contact with the Orthodox Jewish community. I, however, am not Jewish. I have learned that this community, like others, have strict rules. Many of these rules apply to how they interact with others outside of their community. For example, an Orthodox Jewish man cannot touch a woman other than his wife. A woman, other than his wife, can’t even hand them something. You have to place the object down on the table, then the man can pick it up. If not, the man has to take some kind of hot bath and pray like a million times or something so that he will be ‘clean’ again. Oh, the reason is because they will not know if the woman he touched was on her period or not. And if she was, she would be considered ‘dirty’. And thus the cleaning.

Orthodox women have to dress in a particular way. They cannot have their leg skin showing, they can’t have their elbows showing, and no cleavage at all. No knees or ankles, please. If they are married, they must wear a wig. A $5000 wig, mind you. But the wigs always look like a rat’s nest anyway.

In some sects, there are rules about sex. I heard that the husband has to put out whenever the wife wants. In others, they have to have sex through a hole in a sheet, because they can’t touch. The husband can’t touch the wife while she’s menstruating. Having your period is apparently a really dirty thing. After her cycle is ended, the wife has to take a religious bath, after which the couple can hump like rabbits until the cows come home, and have like a million children. But only after the bath!

Oh, and she can take her wig off for the husband only. They wear the wig, or cover their heads because they are not to look attractive to anyone but their husband. Believe me, that’s NOT happening!

So, as I mentioned, I come in contact with these families a lot at my job. And you have remember some of these rules because they apply to you. You can’t shake the man’s hand ‘hello’. And I’ve screwed it up a couple of times. It’s bad when that happens. Poor guy has to go home and like pray for like friggin’ 400 years and scrub his hand for seven hours.

One of our customers is a little boy named Pakov Persky. He’s an adorable little boy. Speaks only Yiddish and all dressed up in the Orthodox garb; Yamuka, short hair, and long curls down the sides of his face. Pakov’s father looks like Abraham Lincoln in a babushka; Bearded face, long curls down the side of his face (I think there’s a name for the curls, but I don’t know it), long black coat with a thick black material belt wrapped around his hips outside of the coat, high black leather boots, three foot high Abe Lincoln top hat. He’s wearing this in the middle of the day. I don’t know how old he is. You can’t tell. Probably in this twenties, but looks about 105. Thick Yiddish accent.

Once, while we were waiting for Pakov to come in, the office staff and I were poking a little fun. We were making fun about the fact that I was wearing a mini skirt, heels (of course), a tight-fitting T, elbows exposed (Uh! OMG!!). AND I would be wearing it while seeing Pakov and his Dad, Abe Lincoln. At one point of kidding around, I bent over and one of the girls reached over and pretended to pinch my bum. At that exact moment, while I was in this bent over position, Abe Lincoln (Daddy Persky) passed by the office doorway and looked in. There I was in the crazy position. I was stuck there, bent over, turned my head to look right at him. And waved hello. Totally embarrassed. Oh, great! Now he’ll have to go home and pray for like seven weeks straight for seeing that.

A few weeks later, it was brought to our office’s attention that Mr. Persky was caught masturbating in the Pediatrics waiting room, a few doors down from us. Security had to escort him out of the building.

Hope it wasn’t my fault!

Oops!