The Stump

One of the fun things Rita and I did in the Hamptons this summer was go to a church festival. We had spent a really relaxing week in South Hampton. The weather was perfect and Maxi girl and Justin were finally gone. So, we decided to pass by the festival. It was a beautiful night in the Hamptons.

At the festival, we ate, drank, shopped, and danced. While we were dancing, a tall, bald man, with thick horn-rimmed glasses was smiling at me. I thought, ‘Oh my gosh. Here we go!’. After dancing, he approached Rita and me. He seemed quite friendly, and kinda cute, in a unibrow kind of way. But we went on our way. Later on in the evening, we sat at a table to eat something. He comes over. “Have a drink with me!” Oh, his name is ‘Mordekay’.

He brings over a bottle of wine and some glasses. We figured, ‘what the heck’. We had a quiet week of no men. He wants to have wine. Why not? So, we had some wine.

So, we’re talking, and sipping. Mordekay had a wingman. His wingman, ‘Aaron’, was talking up Rita while Mordekay was telling me about himself. He was divorced, with two kids. Actually, he pointed out his wife, who was over there, dancing. And his son, who was sitting over there. Oy! Here we go. That’s just what I want to do, meet this guy’s ex-wife and kid. God, please help me!

Sure enough, the wife and kid come over. They exchange words. He introduces me. Why me??

Mordekay asks me what I did for a living, so I ask him back. Where do I live, where do you live? Etc. I really don’t remember what his job was. Construction, I think. But as he was talking, he was waving around his wine cup around. Not a glass, a plastic cup. I mean, we were outdoors at a festival. We were using cups.

So, while he’s waving around the plastic cup, I thought I noticed his finger looking weird. I was following his finger back and forth with my eyes, while the cup was moving right and left in front of my face. Back and forth. Back and forth. Up and down. My head was going back and forth, up and down too.

What was up with that finger??

I thought…

Hmmm.

Was it that he rolled his pointer finger in?

Or …

Could it be ,,,, a ,,,,

,,, stump?

I stared and stared, inconspicuously, of course. What was he saying?? I have no idea. But I came to the conclusion that, yes. It was, in fact, a stump.

He was totally missing a finger!

Not that I discriminate against nine-fingered people mind you, but I couldn’t handle it. I was shocked and amazed at the stump. I couldn’t think of anything else. I couldn’t hear a thing he was saying.

I was hoping Rita saw it. I was sure she did. How could you miss it?? I wanted to signal to her or something, but didn’t want to get caught at it.

It was wiggling. Like a dog with a tiny pug tail. It went quickly back and forth. I couldn’t stop looking at it. Following it. It had a mind of its own, that stump.

I’m sorry. Am I a bad person? But I just couldn’t overcome the stump.

Mordekay asked me out for breakfast the next day. Breakfast? Why would I want to go to breakfast? I could lose my pancakes! I politely said no.

We finally excused ourselves and made an exit. I asked Rita, “Did you see the stump?”

“Stump? What stump? He had a stump? A nub?”

“You mean you didn’t see the stump?”

“No! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Ugh!”

He’d asked me for my number. Prior to the stump discovery, I punched it into his cell. He punched his number into mine. With his middle finger, because of the stump!

I prayed he wouldn’t call. He didn’t. He probably couldn’t punch in the numbers! I was glad. I just couldn’t go out with him ,,, not if the stump was coming too.