Whose Thong Is That Anyway?

Did a Hamptons share last summer, with a girlfriend of mine, Rita. South Hampton. We stayed four weekends and two full separate weeks. For the full week, we planned to just veg. Do a lot of nothing. Beach, movies, beach, shopping, beach, eating, beach, sleeping. You get the idea. So after a wild weekend of going out we were really looking forward to the quiet of the week to come. R and R. Or so we thought.

On Sunday night, our housemate, Justin, told us he’d be staying until Monday. That was fine. Justin was quirky, but lovable. Well, like a brother. He would brag about all these hot women he was sleeping with, and how he wanted to get back at all the other women who did him wrong in his life by being evil to any new ones he met. Justin mentioned a female friend of his, Jessica, was going to be coming out tomorrow to spend the next day.

Next day, Rita and I went to the beach. Came home and were looking forward to having a nice quiet afternoon and making a bar-b-q for dinner. When we arrived home from the beach, on the kitchen counter was an empty shopping bag and some cucumber peels next to the trashcan. We went into the living room. There we saw some jewelry on the coffee table and a crumpled up sundress on the floor, next to a … thong underwear. What the heck??

Justin’s door was closed shut. Maybe he was in there with whoever belonged to the thong in the living room? We didn’t hear anything.

We didn’t pick up a thing.

It was all so nasty.

We couldn’t even relax in the living room because of it. So we decided to start dinner. Fired up the grill, took out some chicken cutlets, cut some salad. All the while thinking Justin and friend were in his room.

Suddenly the wind blew in. Justin walks in with a skinny girl in a maxi dress. Boobs half out, big wooden bangle bracelets, clunking platform sandals, raccoon eyes, long stringy brown hair. Yapping in a most obnoxious, heavy Long Island accent. Acting liked she owned the place.

Jessica. A.K.A. Maxi girl.

We hated her. Immediately.

Blackberry fluttering. Yapping loudly. Bossing Justin around. Barely acknowledges us when Justin made the introduction.

Rita and I were busy preparing our dinner at the kitchen counter. We welcomed them to eat with us. They declined. Maxi girl was looking for a place to plug in her laptop. Out of the thousand outlets in the entire house, she decides to plug in right at the kitchen counter where we were working. Of course she never checked the living room, where her thong was waiting. She literally pushed me out of the way to set up.

I’m like, “Did you just push me out of the way?”

“Oh my gawd, did I just push you out of the way? I didn’t even realize it!! Oh, my GAWD!!”

She’s an ass. I thought, as I tried to work around Maxi girl and her friggin’ laptop. I hated her. And I hated maxi dresses.

We set up dinner outside on the deck and begin to eat. She proceeded to smoke while we ate. We told Justin to make her stop. He did and Maxi girl faaahlllipped out! She started screaming, “What kind of house is this, where they don’t want people to smoke in the house!”

So much for a quiet dinner. But we were still trying to eat in peace outside. When she calmed down, out of the entire huge house, Maxi decides she has to sit outside on the deck with us and yap on her Blackberry. Rita and I looked at each other in disgust.

All the while, the thong continued to fester on the living room floor.

Rita and I were looking forward to a nice quiet night at home, while Justin and Maxi girl got ready to go out. It was taking them forever. When were they going to finally leave? We were watching TV and the power goes out. Maxi girl blew a fuse with her blow drier. Once we got the power back on, they were ready. But Maxi decides she’s hungry. She takes our left over salad, from our dinner and proceeds to eat it all!

What? Who does she think she is??

We hated her!

Then they were just about ready to finally go. I said, nonchalantly, “I think you may have forgotten something in the living room.”

Jessica goes into the living room. “Oh - - – MY - - – GAWD!”

She found it.

I was just so in love with the fact that she knew that we knew that she dropped her draws in our living room and left ‘em there.

After they finally left, I visited the washroom. There, I found globs of hair in the shower drain and band aid wrappers surrounding the trash. Maxi girl!

A few months later, I was on the bus. Some obnoxious girl was screeching to someone on her phone, “Oh - my - gawd! Blah blah blah blah.”

I hated her and didn’t even know who she was.

I looked for the familiar voice.

It’s HER! Maxi girl! Wearing a maxi dress!!

Ugh! Nooooo!

I quickly looked down, hoping she wouldn’t recognize me. There was no chance of that. She was too into herself.

Manhattan is a very small place. The Hamptons, even smaller.